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When our Demons want to play

For a huge part of my life, as a teenager and even into my 20’s I struggled with the yo-yo diet cycle perpetuated by an influx of this incessant need to eat til my stomach hurt. In my younger days I have vivid memories of sitting on my bathroom floor with a spoon in my mouth desperately crying and trying to make myself vomit. I had these demons that lived in my head that made me feel  like such a worthless human being. I believed the only way I could feel better was to get the food out of me. I would then follow that up with a  week of not eating, followed by a week of eating til I was sick. I was a puddle of a woman completely obsessed with this idea of skinny that I could never measure up to but would die trying.


When I hit my heaviest weight at the age of 26 I decided something major had to change, or I was continue to gain weight and  kill myself slowly if I treated my body like this any longer. In 2015 I discovered Insanity workouts and the Paleo Diet. The combination of these two things helped me shed my weight without thinking about it, because I was so happy with how I was eating and I absolutely loved sweating that much in a workout.


Well four years later I still love eating a Paleo protocol and I love my insanity workouts. I am however, not was consistent as when I first got started. I feel most healthy when I adhere to paleo and exercise 90% of the time with room for 10% play. However, its turned into about 70/30 and I can feel a few extra pounds because of this.


Now, this is not a huge deal-i found what works for me and I know how to lose those few pounds in a way that is loving toward my body and mind.


With that being said, I was triggered last night and noticed these olddemons wanted to come out and play. My husband made a passing comment about me not having a six pack and almost immediately I was back in this place where all I wanted to do was purge. I found myself coming up with all of these crazy ideas on how to starve myself and get a six pack. Even as I’m writing this I am judging myself for how my stomach feels huge in the pants I’m wearing. I am in my 30’s now and I thought I’d “cured” this part of me, I thought these demons that want me to destroy my body in order to make it smaller-were dead. Then, here I am near tears as I grit my teeth to keep from going into the bathroom to purge my dinner. I. Felt. Ridiculous. I wondered how this was happening to me all over again. Am I really back where I was at 16?


The answer is no, I am so much better off.


I noticed these thoughts in my head, I recognized how these thoughts caused some rather intense feelings but I did nothing about it. I focused on my breathing, I drank some water and I went to bed early. I was able to wake up with a fresh perspective and thank myself for not acting on these thoughts.



So here is my point, sometimes we get triggered to do some dumb, self destructive things- and that is okay, it is part of our human experience. With that being said it is also part of the human experience to develop our minds and work on controlling what we do with our thoughts, how we let them effect our feelings and outcomes. I had an intense feeling from the thoughts of being inadequate and completely worthless. (and irrationally fat), but I did not let it affect my outcome of being a healthy person and a good role model for my child. I know how to be healthy and I know what it feels like to be completely out of control, I am absolutly  unwilling to go back to that place. Even if it feels like my demons are telling the truth and self destruction is my only option. It never is-choose health, choose happiness but never choose to believe the demons in your head that tell you you’re worthless and should give into whatever self destructive habit is calling your name.


You are not worthless, you are worthy

You are not inadequate, You are completely capable and more than enough.

More than anything you are worthy and loved.

Don’t follow your demons, notice your thoughts and feelings so you control your demons and they do not control you.

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1 Comment

  1. Marla on November 21, 2019 at 4:02 am

    I love you Mal! I’m so proud of you for fixing your mindset, and continuing to grow. You are a wonderful mamma, and you have to remember all your body has been through. ♥️ You’re amazing!!