She sat alone on the bathroom floor emotionally naked and afraid, there was nothing left in her and the tears had turned into dry heaving. Another check-in on the scale turned into an obsessed teenager curled in front of the toilet with a spoon in her mouth trying to get last nights dinner out of her system.
The metal feels cold and tastes of metallic, feeling it push against the back of her throat she gasps in pain. Nobody mentions that disordered eating is so painful. She keeps pushing harder and harder hoping something happens, some relief from this emotional hell of never being skinny enough. Wanting a flat stomach and being left with a gut that hangs over her jeans.
“What is wrong with me!?” she cried out. “Why am I so fat and so f***** hungry all the time?” as tried to force herself to vomit only to chicken out. She cried harder and harder until she lost all will to make sound. “I can’t do anything right!”
She pondered her choices from this point on and came up with a plan “okay, I’m going to skip breakfast and lunch and I’ll just have a shake for dinner. That’ll do the trick” Feeling a renewed sense of hope that next weeks weigh in would yield a better outcome. Allie went on with her day- or at least tried to.
Feeling an emotional hangover and increased anxiety, Allie cancels plans with her friends because she feels too insecure to be seen in public, instead she opts to sit on the couch and watch TV in her home. Every time Allie gets up from the couch, she passes the mirror and assess her stomach. Though her mother would say she is healthy and beautiful, all Allie sees is a whale of a person. She grabs the adipose tissue and spews vulgar insults internally “you’re such a fat slob, this is why you’ll never have a boyfriend.”
Filled with an overwhelming sense of failure and loneliness Allie rushes to the kitchen where she grabs whatever food she can find and proceeds to eat everything in sight…and so the cycle continues.
____ an excerpt from my book.
Anxiety and insecurities can manifest themselves in a variety of ways for people. For me it has been a lifetime of being at war with my body and the expectations I put on myself to be chronically perfect. If I could go back to the little girl that couldn’t stop crying in elementary school because she was scared of all of the kids, or the girl sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing because she just wants to weigh…nothing-there are so many things I would tell her to try and help her understand what was happening in her psyche. Since that is not an option, I want other girls that may be struggling with anxiety and insecurity to read my words and know they are so much more than their bodies and their anxiety is not them being crazy, they are perfect and wonderful just as they are.
I have been writing for a couple of months and toying with different storylines, so for those that have been following my blog (it may just be my mom to be honest) I am going to start using this as practice and play with what is stirring around in my heart and mind.
Children and teenagers are dealing with more reported cases of anxiety now than in any other generation, there are higher rates of suicide and its just getting worse!
We need to give them ways to name what is happening for them and outlets to know they are not the only ones feeling anxious or depressed.
If you or someone you know is struggling with feeling highly anxious and is taking it out on their bodies, please contact me. I would love to help, or just simply have a conversation about this tragic issue plaguing our culture.